What The Transformers Thought Of Transformers 07
by Kibble Beast
Summary: When the Transformers heard that Transformers 2007 was coming out, they just had to tune in and watch the premiere. But just what will their reactions be? Warning: this is deranged. G1-verse!


**I know I should be concentrating on my other fic, but those dastardly plot bunnies struck, and I couldn't get anywhere whilst they were gnawing at me. Anyway, please mention any grammatical or spelling-y errors, because I did this rather speedily.**

**Naturally I don't own Transformers in any way, shape or form. (Sniff.)**

**(I'd also just like to mention that I adore the movieverse and mean it no harm whatsoever, so don't take this seriously, and don't flame me.)**

**Er, warning. Pretty major spoilers in here. Someone's probably already done something like this, but HEY-HO. We're off.**

**Oh, yes. When you see _Italics_, it means you're listening to the film.**

* * *

Optimus Prime strode regally into the cinema. At the somewhat unnatural sight of a giant robot, the humans wailed in fear and ran. Seeing as how Optimus had just entered, he was also blocking the only exit, but this didn't stop them from running around like buffoons. One human hurled a bag of popcorn at him in a futile attempt to make him move. The Autobot caught the projectile happily. 'My thanks for your nourishment.'

Bumblebee, Sunstreaker, and Sideswipe charged after Optimus, knocking humans aside as they recklessly hurtled in, babbling excitedly.

'The back, the back!'

'No way! The middle!'

'Afts! The best seats are at the front,' Bumblebee shouted. 'Aren't they, Optimus!'

The red and blue mech nodded solemnly.

The trio sped there immediately, fighting for the seats in the exact middle. After a brief scuffle, Sunstreaker clambered onto his prize, and howled his victory, beating his chassis like some demented beast.

Optimus swiftly strolled to the front, seized him, and dumped him into the seat behind.

Sunny pouted, then visibly trembled as he saw a tiny chip of paint missing from his vibrant armour. He began to cry, great, big, bursting sobs, which quickly turned into wailing howls.

Sideswipe rolled his optics, shaking his helm. Optimus ignored him.

The yellow twin began to hyperventilate, loudly. _Very loudly_.

Optimus frowned and sighed, relenting. 'Sideswipe, take him outside until he has calmed down. People are _looking_.'

This was true. Those humans hiding under their seats were, indeed, looking.

Sides scowled, but gently led his sobbing brother out as an enraged roar burst out in another room, and a giant explosion shook the cinema.

Bumblebee clambered onto the seat beside Optimus.

'Popcorn, Bumblebee?'

They munched happily at the blank screen as Ironhide and Ratchet entered, Jazz bounding along behind them.

They sat next to their commander in silence.

'I said _no_ to cannons, didn't I, Ironhide...?' Optimus eventually sighed.

'Ah couldn't help mahself!' Ironhide appealed earnestly, clutching a cuddly bear, waving it at his commander.

'The claw didn't grab the soft toy,' Ratchet explained.

'It did! Ah had it! _Ah had it_!' Ironhide insisted.

'Yes, you did,' Ratchet reassured him, patting his arm. He then continued in an undertone to Optimus. 'The toy machine grabbed this soft creature in a claw, but dropped the toy beside the shaft. Ironhide declared the prize his, as he had successfully grasped it... so, _boom_.' He spread his hands in a _poof_ gesture.

'He exploded the _grabby-machine?_' Bumblebee gasped in horror, popcorn tumbling from his open mouth.

Ironhide passed him a soft toy giraffe. The yellow mech grabbed it quickly, beaming. Optimus ate another piece of popcorn.

'Careful, boss,' Jazz declared, leaning across both Ratchet and Ironhide to steal two handfuls. 'These things c'n make yer fat. How're you actually eatin' them anyway?'

Optimus shrugged, faceplate still firmly in place. At that moment, a sinister boom shook the room as a door was flung open dramatically. Megatron stalked in, followed by a small horde of Decepticons. He strode to the front, plucked Bumblebee from his seat, and flung him across the cinema.

A red, blue and white blur instantly shot into the seat next to Prime. 'I, Starscream, claim this seat as the Decepticon Lea-'

'And the Decepticon Leader thanks you thoroughly,' Megatron hissed, clouting the Seeker, who yelped and scrambled into the next seat along.

Megatron snarled for no obvious reason, then planted his aft into the seat firmly. He paused, and saw Optimus munching on some refreshment. He would not be outdone. 'Starscream. Get me some energon.'

'What! You didn't bring any with you?' the jet shrieked. 'What are you, a sparkling? No wonder the Decepticons are not triumphant- their leader is less prepared than-'

'Do it.'

'If **_I_** were the- where in the _Pit_ am I going to find any-!'

Megatron hefted his fusion cannon threateningly. Starscream flounced away, whining.

The Decepticon Commander turned to his nemesis. 'I hope you're ready to have your aft _pounded_ by Megatron.'

Ironhide snickered immaturely. Ratchet thwacked him.

'That'll be the day, Megatron,' Optimus replied patiently.

'_Oh, it will_,' Megatron muttered quietly, then raised his voice. '...If I win- which I will, because I am the mighty Megatron- you have to surrender.'

'Surrender what?'

'What do you think?' Megatron sneered. 'The _war_, you skidplate. You will surrender.'

'In your dreams.'

'_In my dreams you **do**,_' Megatron muttered again. 'Not so confident of your victory, then?'

'Get lost,' the Autobot responded maturely. 'If you win... I'll show you what's underneath my faceplate.'

Megatron stroked his chin as he considered this. He had to admit, it was an intriguing proposal. He was gripped. 'Agreed. _And_, I get one night with you.'

'Sure, sure,' Optimus replied obliviously, as Bumblebee reappeared, tears streaming down his face, arms raised.

The bigger mech carefully lifted him onto his lap as Starscream raged back into the cinema, threw himself onto the seat next to Megatron, and violently slammed a cube of energon into Megatron's crotch.

Inspiration hit Optimus as he watched Megatron punch his Second in Command and nurse his panelling. '...And, if _I_ win... you have to kiss Starscream.'

Megatron screeched with wheezy laughter. This could have been because of the crotch abuse. 'As if you'll win. Deal, Prime.'

Starscream gaped. 'What is this? Take it back! _Take-it-back_!' His tone bordered on hysteria. 'You have to _take it back!_'

'Silence, Starscream. The Decepticons do not lose.'

The Seeker continued his protest. 'But what if-'

Megatron gripped his wing and threw him out of the seat. 'Do not doubt _Megatron_.'

With a scowl, Starscream began to stand up, but the other mech kicked him to the floor again.

'Stay on the floor.'

'But the film is _two hours _long!'

'And I don't give a frag!'

Blackout emerged from some dark corner and sat beside the Decepticon Commander, causing the Seeker to shuffle sideways and knock into Megatron's leg.

'Primus! You can't do _anything_ right!' The silver mech scowled and dumped Starscream between his legs, with a warning kick. '_Stay. Still._'

'**_Jazz_**!' Optimus shouted unnecessarily, considering the Porsche was three seats away. 'We ready?'

'You _bet_ we are, chiefy.'

'THEN LET'S ROLL!' cheered the over-excited mech.

The screen flickered into life. There was a brief pause.

'I hate films,' Bonecrusher filled the silence helpfully.

'Popcorn?' Optimus thrust the packet towards Megatron.

'What is this?' his rival enquired disgustedly.

'An offering from the humans,' Optimus replied. 'They showered me with gifts and tributes when I entered.'

'Unlikely. They were most likely giving them to me, thinking you were my slave.'

'Do you two _ever_ shut up? It's starting!' Starscream hissed.

Megatron cuffed the Seeker. 'I'll talk all I like, minion.'

The remaining humans in the room were confused to see '_Transformers: The Premiere_' appear on screen, followed by a sweeping shot of some excited crowd.

'Hurry up, Jazz! We don't care about this!'

'Yeah,' Ironhide agreed. 'Skip t'the explosions.'

The footage instantly sped up, and hurtled around the crowd, where some humans jerked around. One man remained in the shot for a whole minute, talking in a fast-forwarded high voice.

'Who is this man?' demanded Optimus.

'Who gives a frag?' Megatron retorted.

'He's eating up my screentime! And therefore, yours as well!'

'He sounds like Screamer,' Brawl sniggered.

'I hate this man,' Bonecrusher scowled.

'Oh, spare us the inane comments,' Starscream hissed, helm snapping backwards to deliver his Glare more efficiently. 'What _don't_ you hate?'

The hulking Constructicon considered this question carefully before replying. 'Watching Megatron beat you up. Watching you beg shamelessly for mercy. Wa-'

'YAAARK- voyeur! _Enough_-! I'm going to-' Starscream howled and span round, preparing to spring at the offending mech.

Megatron's cannon suddenly rumbled in his face.

'...Maybe I'll just sit here quietly.'

'Good idea.'

Finally, the man had disappeared to a loud roar from the crowd- 'See? No one wants that man there. They want me-' And a huge screen behind him went black, delving into the opening sequence.

A loud voice boomed from the speakers.

'It's me! **It's me**!' bellowed an ecstatic commander. 'Hang on, how does he have my voice?'

'How in Pit is that you?' Blackout grumbled. 'It looks like a useless cube to me.'

'I hate Cubes,' Bonecrusher growled.

They sat quietly for a moment, listening.

'What kind of lie is this?' Megatron demanded. 'I know of no such 'Cube'!'

'_...the power to create worlds...'_

'...Maybe I should,' the grey Decepticon mused, processor whirling with the thought of such power.

'Shush!' Optimus shushed, enraptured.

'_...others for evil. And so began-'_

'HaHA!' Megatron growled triumphantly. 'He- or you, whatever- refers to me! FOR I AM EVIL!'

'_...but we were already too late._'

'HA! See? **_Too late_**. You've lost! In the first minutes, it becomes clear.' Megatron happily stole some popcorn.

* * *

They watched happily for a while, until some queer language presented itself.

'A bogey?' Bumblebee questioned.

'A bogey in the **_weeds_**.'

'What odd imagery,' Ratchet mused.

'Is this the right film?' Starscream wondered.

'_...have your crew step out or we will kill you._'

'UNLIKEY!' Megatron shouted, finally realising that the helicopter was probably a transformer.

'_Hold your fire. Stand by to engage!_'

Bumblebee was confused. 'If they're 'holding' and 'standing by', why are they suddenly firing?'

Optimus watched, slightly bewildered, as the soldiers started shooting at the transformer. '...because humans are contradictory things.'

Blackout's mouth fell open, which was probably the closest he ever got to speaking.

'Is that Blackout?' Brawl asked.

Megatron whacked him proudly. 'Watch him deal out the destruction!'

'_...we're under attack!_'

'REALLY?' Megatron howled, really into the movie now.

Jazz winced as a particularly huge EMP blast shook the cinema. 'Would that fry my radio?'

Ironhide twitched with happiness. 'Look at all of those _explosions.._.'

* * *

'Who is this prick?' Megatron asked, annoyed that some human was now stealing the limelight. 'We don't want to see this boy.'

'Give him his five minutes,' Optimus replied generously. 'After all, we'll have the rest of the screentime.'

Jazz whooped as the humans drove by a Porsche dealership. 'RIGHT ON!'

A new human assaulted the others. _'...That practically makes us family.'_

'These humans do have odd customs,' Ratchet frowned. 'Family? For buying a car?'

Jazz had to explain that he didn't mean literally.

'_The car'll pick the driver...'_

'A build-up,' Bumblebee declared. 'They're building up for my entrance. You can _see_ me in front of them. It's my turn to shine!'

However excited the yellow mech was about having recognised this new 'Sam' as Spike, he suddenly became very agitated.

'_This ain't bad. This one's got racing stripes.'_

'Why is he looking at that old Camaro? I'm right next to him!'

The other Autobots caught on to the identity of the Camaro when their symbol was revealed dramatically on the wheel.

'CAN'T HE SEE ME?'

Bumblebee jumped with a shriek as the offending car smashed a door into his alternate form. Optimus had to calm him down.

* * *

'...Why is this 'Mikaela' wearing clothing that looks like it would fit a ten year old more efficiently?' Ratchet wondered.

Bumblebee (who had finally gotten used to the idea that he was a Camaro) laughed. _Who cares? I have screentime! _

'_You, Jazz_. Fastforward this. No one wants to see these two procrastinate any longer.' Megatron hissed.

Jazz sighed, and looked to Optimus for approval.

'...Just five minutes or so.'

The film rapidly proceeded.

Bumblebee squealed. 'THAT'S ME!'

A large yellow shape was indeed standing before them.

As quickly it was there, it was gone again. Back to the boy, being chased by dogs.

The Transformers sighed as one.

* * *

'That must be you, Scorponok,' Optimus gestured in a friendly manner at the screen, relieved that an actual Transformer seemed to exist.

Jazz chuckled, watching as a human twirled skillfully whilst being blown through the air.

Scorponok scowled.

'Yeah, I'd scowl too,' Starscream cackled. 'He's even more useless than he is in _real lif_-OW!'

'Silence, Starscream. May I remind you that you haven't even featured yet?'

'Neither have y- OW!'

* * *

'YES!' Barricade cheered. 'I'm going to pulverise the boy!'

'Please, hurry up and do it,' Optimus encouraged.

'Well, her helmet was on safely,' Ratchet noted as Mikaela's safety-wear fell off.

They watched the car chase, for the first time finding themselves really interested. Two oppositely factioned Transformers in one scene?

'Wooaah...' Bumblebee gasped as he transformed onscreen.

Barricade snarled happily as his counterpart leapt at the Camaro. 'A fight scene! Finally!'

They all cheered.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Megatron was bored. 'Where the Pit are we? This is called _Transformers_, not _Humans-Do-Inane-Things_. All I've seen are Frenzy and Scorponok!'

'You're right for once,' Optimus scowled at the teenager rudely dominating his screentime. 'We want _me_!'

Soundwave's helm popped up from nowhere. 'Frenzy; eject.'

The Cassetticon sprung before him. 'What up, daddy-o?'

'Purpose; you are starring in a movie.'

'...And, don't forget, as well as Blackout's opening, Bumblebee and Barricade had a scene,' Optimus remembered.

Bumblebee and Barricade were now re-enacting their fight in the cinema, but the Decepticon was trying hard to win this time.

'As if _he _could beat Barricade!'

'He just did.'

'Pcha,' Megatron scorned.

Optimus clapped excitedly as meteors shot towards Earth. 'This is a suitably dramatic entrance!'

'No, this is Armageddon.' Ratchet rectified.

A fat boy ran across the screen. _'...This is easily a hundred times cooler than Armageddon, I swear to God!'_

'See?'

'No, he said it _was_ cooler.'

'Hey, look at that dumb glitch crashing in a pool,' Ratchet sniggered hysterically. 'Oh, it's _you_.'

Ironhide snarled. 'It can't be. The music says it is Optimus.'

'I concur,' Prime murmured, optics fixed on-screen. 'That's a heroic instrumental.'

'How in Pit do you even know it's Ironhide?' Megatron grouched. 'You all look the same!'

Jazz took some more popcorn. 'Well, I was obviously me. I've got style. You see my neat twizzle?'

'If the one in the pool is Optimus, how do you explain that?' Ratchet gestured at the recently transformed Topkick.

'Shut up, Ratch.'

Optimus watched eagerly as a protoform scanned a large truck.

'Wow, that was convenient,' Ratchet noted again. 'Exactly how many red and blue flamed trucks do you see motoring around in the black of night?'

Bumblebee smiled widely. 'How many concept Camaros do you see passing by you on the highway?'

'This film is preposterous.'

* * *

Everyone watched agape as the longest transformation EVER unfolded before them.

'It's me! It has to be me!' Optimus shrieked, arms flailing manically, showering his neighbours with popcorn kernels, and catching Megatron in the face.

'I'M SO SEXY!'

'Speak for yourself,' Ironhide muttered as the other transformations took place. He whistled. 'Check the cannons on that baby.'

'FLAMES? I CAN'T HAVE FLAMES! I'LL LOOK LIKE HOT ROD!'

'Nah,' Jazz disagreed with a cheer as his movie-counterpart flipped coolly mid-transformation. 'You'll look like Hot Rod's father.'

Optimus choked.

'_My name is Optimus Prime..._'

'PIT YES! I AM SO SEXY! HEAR THAT VOICE!'

'Prime...!' A sudden exclamation came from his right. 'You have a _face_!'

'Of course I have a face,' Optimus replied snappily, forced out of his happy-land. 'What are yo-' He gasped. 'I have a _face_! I have a _nose_! AND LIPS!'

He threw himself at the screen to try and cover the face.

'What is this travesty!' he wailed.

Ratchet hurled a wrench at him. 'MOVE! It's getting interesting!'

Unhappily, the Autobot returned to his seat.

'_You feelin' lucky, punk?_'

Ironhide nearly overloaded on the spot. Ratchet whacked him.

'_-suggests he wants to mate with the female._'

'I guess _you_ just put your foot in it naturally,' Ironhide retorted.

'You didn't need pheromone levels to guess that,' Jazz sniggered.

'..._we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed._'

'You BET they were!' Megatron squealed in excitement. 'That must be me! ...just listen to my evil chuckle!'

Yet more humans appeared on the screen.

'_Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube.'_

Starscream laughed from the floor.

'What the frag? I do not crash!'

'_-accidentally activated his navigation system.'_

Starscream howled deliriously. 'What kind of _moron_ keeps his navigations system in his _finger_?'

'I don't even see you_ in_ the movie, Starscream.' Megatron emphasised this statement with a hard punch.

* * *

'What is this humiliation?' Ironhide shouted, as a small mammal lubricated on his movie counterpart.

Ratchet roared with laughter.

'YOU CAN'T LAUGH! YOU'RE LUMINOUS! That's right! _Kick_ the fragger! _Blast_ him!'

A couple of minutes later, Ironhide saw a way to annoy his friend. '...I never knew you liked electrocution, Ratchet. You must be a masochist.'

'Silence, Ironhide.' The ambulance sniffed loftily.

'_Taking the children was a bad move.'_

'No! No!' Optimus pleaded with his movie-self. 'Don't involve them again!'

'Wow, Jazz. You really are tiny,' Bumblebee noted. 'You're smaller than me.'

'Not in maturity levels,' The Porsche replied sweetly.

'_Stop lubricating the man!'_

'_Up you get..._' Movie-Optimus let the humans climb onto his hand.

'Why don't you just transform, Optimus?' Ironhide was very confused. 'You could drive away, couldn't you?'

'Who knows?' The red and blue mech chewed on his fingers tensely as helicopters tried to find them.

An moving scene unfolded before them.

'_Stop hurting him!_'

Bumblebee wailed, overwhelmed with emotion as he saw Sam run to defend him.

'_...are we just going to stand here and do nothing?_'

Optimus leapt to his feet dramatically. 'You said it, Jazz! It's time to kick aft! They'd better release Bumblebee without a fuss, or-'

'_...let them leave._'

Optimus blinked in shock. 'What-? Am I insane?'

Megatron winced. 'Pit, Prime. That's low.'

They all watched in stunned silence.

* * *

'_What about Bumblebee? We can't just leave him to die-_'

Optimus threw his arms into the air. 'Why aren't I listening?'

'_Why are we fighting to save the humans?_'

Ironhide scowled. 'Well said, me.'

'_...they have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in th-_'

Optimus nodded. 'I make a good point, though. I should listen to myself more often. My speeches contain interesting truths.'

'_Freedom is the right of all sentient beings_.'

He shot upright in his chair, interested again. 'WOOP! Listen to this guy go!'

Bumblebee pouted. 'What about me?'

'Who _gives_ a frag about you? The main mech is monologuing!'

* * *

The humans reclaimed their screentime.

'_...until these events, we had no credible threat to national security._'

'_Well, you got one now!'_

'Well, that is just what he said,' Ratchet scowled.

'_...pretty much the harbinger of death..._'

Megatron seemed pleased by this. _'_Mmm... _harbinger of death_...? I like that one. Starscream, remember it._'_

'_...transform human technology to take over the universe.'_

'What kind of inane idea is that?' Megatron scowled. 'Why do we need Earth's machines?'

'Why am I such a retard?' Frenzy whined, as they watched him cavort around the Allspark.

''Cause you take after your father- OW!' Starscream, heedless of the blow, shrieked excitedly. 'THERE I AM!'

'Hm? Where?'

'You missed it. I had a whole SIX seconds, and you missed it. Sexy plane, though. Speedy, sleek, pinnacle of human technology. Definitely me.'

Brawl became confused. 'Devastator? What's his name doing there? That's not Devastator!'

Bonecrusher sighed and went back to his recharge. 'I hate my alt. form.'

Starscream's optics boggled. 'That can't be me.'

Megatron laughed cruelly. 'Even **_I_** look better than you.'

'No, no, no! It's just Skywarp, or someone-'

'Who looks the same as you _anyway_?' Megatron found it hilarious. 'The pretty fly-boy looks like a Dorito!'

Starscream whimpered miserably, and hid his helm in his hands.

'_...the backup generator is just not gonna cut it!_'

'Pretty pathetic **backup** generator, then.' Ironhide pointed out.

'_Get everyone to the NBE-1 chamber nowww!_'

'Excellent idea,' Megatron noted. 'I can crush you all at once.'

Bumblebee cheered, tears flooding his optics, as Sam rescued him.

'Be quiet! Can't you see they're building up to my...uh... entrance?' Megatron hissed excitedly.

'_I...am...MEGATRON!_'

'YESS! One hour, forty-two minutes in. I HAVE ARRIVED!'

'..._I live to serve you, Lord Megatron._'

Megatron flicked Starscream unkindly. 'You hear that?'

'..._you fail me yet again, Starscream._'

'Some things never change.'

* * *

The Transformers watched eagerly as Optimus and Bonecrusher smashed through a highway, then-

Optimus filled the stunned silence. 'Bonecrusher... did you just spank me with your rake-like appendage?'

The Constructicon twitched.

'That was cold.' Megatron found himself admiring this movie-Optimus. 'You just kicked his dead carcass.'

'I did not kick it! It was merely in the way of my foot!'

'You also stabbed him. Brutally.'

'Pff. Clearly, that's what you get when you molest me.'

* * *

'_Ratchet!_' Sam's distraught voice pleaded for help.

Ratchet scowled. 'Where am I? Why have I abandoned Bumblebee?'

The yellow mech started crying again.

'It's okay, Bumblebee. You'll get your legs back!'

Bumblebee gestured at the screen, where Sam was also crying.

Oblivious, Ironhide grinned, watching himself dodge some missiles.

'I'M THE MECH!'

'_C'mon, Decepticon punk!'_

Jazz watched his counterpart mount Brawl, only to be hurled across the street.

Brawl sniggered. 'Not so cool, eh?'

'Yeah, yeah. Isn't that what Kup did to some guy once?'

'It's not nice to gang up three-on-one!' Brawl suddenly noticed that he was being bombarded.

Ironhide whooped, seeing himself utilise his cannons.

'Nice little twizzle there, Ratch,' Jazz praised as the mech on screen cut off Brawl's arm. 'S'like a Dangerous Death Defying-'

'Twizzle,' Ironhide finished. 'It was a twizzle.'

A silver mech crashed to the floor. '_Megatron..._'

'Do you fantasize about yourself?' Optimus suddenly asked the Gunformer.

The Decepticon choked. 'What?'

'You keep saying your own name.'

* * *

'_That all you got, Megatron?_'

'Bit harsh to land on me, isn't it?' Jazz enquired.

'I suppose you are the size of nothing compared to me. So yes, maybe.'

'-_You want a piece?_'

'_No! I want**...two!**'_

Wide optics watched as Movie-Megatron tore Movie-Jazz apart.

'...You have to admit, you set yourself up for that.' Was all the Decepticon could say.

'Yeah, spose. But still!'

* * *

'Haha, Prime. You just drove through trash._'_

'_Megatron...' _The Movie-Optimus clenched his fists impressively.

'_PRIME!'_

'How on Cybertron did you hear me? I was muttering your name to myself!' Optimus pointed out.

'Maybe I saw your approach,' Megatron quickly replied. 'It was very dramatic.'

'Why, thankyou.'

'My body...' Jazz wept. 'You just threw away my body. ...oh, hang on. I'm in two parts... should that be bodies?'

The movie Optimus and Megatron hurtled through the city.

'Exactly why am I clinging onto you?' Optimus asked.

'It doesn't make much sense,' Megatron agreed. 'Maybe you just like being underneath me.'

'Whatever. You clearly shouldn't be flying. You can't even fly in a straight line!'

'Maybe I'm trying to make you purge your tanks. Maybe I feel like some acrobatics. Or maybe you shouldn't be so heavy.'

Their movie-selves crashed into the floor, Megatron on top.

'See? You like it.'

'_They deserve to choose for themselves!'_

'Prime, why are you grasping my chin?_' _The two Commanders watched themselves heave around on top of each other.

'Maybe it offends me. It is rather pointy.'

'_-will die with them!'_

'HAHA! I'm dominating you!_'_

'_Join them in extinction!_'

'Finally! My fusion cannon!'

Movie-Optimus unleashed a large blaster, but to little effect.

Movie-Megatron neatly span round, steadied his aim with his other arm and-

'Hey, Megs,' Jazz suddenly spoke up, pausing the film. 'Why are you steadying yourself? It's not like you care if you don't hit him; collateral damage ain't no biggie.'

Megatron growled. 'Because I want to hit Prime, obviously.'

'He's not that small a target. _Obviously_ your aim sucks.' Jazz resumed the film.

Movie-Megatron shot his cannon, and Movie-Optimus span through the air.

Megatron had a feeling Jazz was going to pick on him for the rest of eternity. 'Look, it's not my fault you died.'

* * *

The popcorn vendors outside were slightly alarmed by a loud argument they could suddenly hear originating from Screen 4.

'YOU RIPPED ME INTO TWO PIECES!'

'YOU PRACTICALLY ASKED FOR IT!'

'YEAH, WELL, YOUR CANNON SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF STARWARS! _PEE-OWWM_!'

'YOU MOCK ME?'

'YES! I DOOO!'

Eventually, the voices subsided.

* * *

'_Keep moving, Sam!'_

The teenager was blatantly running very fast.

'Why doesn't one of us give him a lift?' Ratchet wondered. 'He'd be faster then.'

'I suppose we're bigger targets,' Ironhide replied.

'_Don't stop!'_

'He _isn't_ stopping. Why am I saying that?'

Before Ironhide could bewilder himself further, Movie-Starscream dramatically landed, and proceeded to beat on the Autobots.

Starscream preened happily. 'See, Megatron? I just took out Ratchet _and_ Ironhide. I'm clearly not useless.'

'Starscream! Are you _blind! _The boy was right beneath you!' Megatron snarled.

'He was underneath Blackout, too! _Twice! _You don't whack Blackout!' The Seeker yelped.

'And where are you going _now_! Primus!' Megatron punched the hapless Seeker as if he actually had some influence over Movie-Starscream.

'_Give me that Cube, boy!'_

'Finally!'

* * *

'_I'll drive, you shoot!'_

Movie-Bumblebee's limbs scraped along the road. Everyone winced.

'My legs! My legs!'

'You don't have any legs,' Barricade teased cruelly.

'My stumps! My _stumps_!' Bumblebee was unable to look up again until his scene had finished and they were well into another.

'_Hang on, Sam!_'

Optimus cheered his movie-self on.

'Hey, Prime. I love the way you ran past the burning helicopter, oblivious to the helpless humans within.'

'Shut up, Megatron.'

'_Is it fear or courage that compels you, fleshling?_'

'Primus! Where am I?' Optimus wailed. 'We're doomed!'

'_-you may live to be my pet._' Movie-Megatron's claws clenched.

'Well, that was appealing,' Ratchet noted. 'Was that supposed to be a threat or an invitation?'

Another helicopter flew by. Movie-Megatron looked up, but nothing happened.

'That was pointless. Are they blind? Can't they see me? Do they dare pretend that I do not exist?' Megatron roared, swinging his arms around.

'_I got you, boy.'_

'Haha, suck on that, Megatron.'

'_Diiisgusting...!_'

They all sniggered at the noise the man made when he bounced off of the car.

Prime shushed them. He was having a special moment with the human.

'-_I will sacrifice myself to destroy it._'

'You do realise, Optimus, that that's a really stupid plan,' Ironhide pointed out. 'You'll be leaving Earth to the Decepticons.'

'And? I won't really give a damn, will I? I'll be dead.'

'_One shall stand, one shall fall._'

Megatron frowned. 'I swear I've heard that somewhere before.'

Movie-Megatron continued to completely batter Movie-Optimus. Megatron stole some popcorn from Optimus' never ending bag. He couldn't take his optics from the screen, and therefore dropped some kernels onto Starscream.

'Will you **_stop _**twitching your wings_?'_

'I can't help it! You-'

Megatron kicked him violently. 'I'm savouring this moment.'

Starscream cheered quietly as his counterpart started to obliterate the Air Force. He wasn't useless.

'_Take him out!_'

The Decepticon Commander's optics twitched as he was bombarded with missiles. 'That's cheating!'

Movie-Optimus was lying on the floor in an absurdly unhassled manner.

'_Put the Cube in my chest! Now!...No, Sam!_'

'WHAT!'

'Too bad, Megatron,' Optimus sighed (hiding his huge relief). 'Looks like you have to kiss Starscream.'

'I'VE BEEN OFFLINED BY AN INSECT ADOLESCENT! WH- AND HOW COME MY SPARK WAS OPEN FOR THE WORLD TO SEE? YOURS WASN'T! WHAT IS THIS CONSPIRACY-'

By the time Megatron has finished roaring displeasure at failure-yet _again_, the entire battle was over.

'_-couldn't save him._'

'_Oh, Jazz. We lost a great comrade, but gained new ones.'_

Jazz jumped out of his seat. 'THAT'S ALL YOU CAN SAY?'

'_...we are waiting._'

The credits flashed up.

'We are hunting down this _"Bay"_.'

'That's one thing we agree on.'

Autobot and Decepticon alike nodded grimly, but a short shot of movie!Starscream exiting Earth's atmosphere caught Megatron's attention.

'YOU! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER COWARD!'

The Seeker shot to the other side of the room.

'I bet _you_ were one of the planes firing on me! Weren't you!'

'Don't leave me,' Starscream whimpered, clutching Jazz's arm.

'ARRGH!' Megatron's fusion cannon glowed as it charged up. 'And what, pray tell, were you uselessly doing before you missed the Cube which was _right below you_? You're useless! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!'

The Autobots quietly took their leave before things got really nasty.

* * *

**(Sigh)**

**I'm content now! HeyHO, review at your leisure :)**


End file.
